I just quoted part of a well-known Steve Martin monologue (from the good days of Saturday Night Live) in a reply to a comment, and I wanted to post the whole thing (not from memory, rather, but from whysanity.net).

It’s a funny-because-it’s-true summary of how (at least for me), we want to help other people, solve the world’s problems, etc. but when it comes down to it, we wonder how much we can really do, and most of the time we take care of ourselves. For me at least, it pokes fun at materialism and greed, but at the same time criticizes how we all (myself definitely included) can stand up on soapboxes on how we’d fix the world’s problems, when really, while we can make a difference, no single person’s grand plan will ever be enacted or really address a problem. Here it is:

A Holiday Wish
written by Steve Martin, performed on Saturday Night Live (1991)

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can’t think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she’s behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it.

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y’know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They’re not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it’s worth! So — we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids.

Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.